Single and confused

  My life is very confusing. This summer me and my boyfriend...... well I guess now ex boyfriend were dating for most of the summer. He broke up with me when I was on the way back from my mission trip. Then we school started back up we got back together and then on Sunday we broke up again. And then something else happened. I'm not going to specify what because I'd rather not be murdered for letting it happen. But what happened confused the hell out of me.

  Then we were talking everything out at lunch with a lot of room in between us because I didn't want anyone to think we were dating and his friends got really pissed off and we were just talking.They grabbed him and moved him away from me then started yelling at him for talking to me even though it was just because we didn't want the fact that we have the same friends to be awkward.

  So now he isn't talking to me. I feel like the year we were together was just a lie. He says he still loves me. I just wish he would show that.

Single Pringle

Got back from my mission trip to New York. about a week ago. We served a church called Living Water Church and helped paint a building, helped clean up a summer camp, helped fix steps at the school we were staying at and put on a Kids Night Out (VBS).



When i was on the way back i got a message saying that my boyfriend had to end things between me and him. But when I asked if it meant completely he said he just needed a break and we'd still be friends and talk and stuff....... So the next day my parents ask me about it because they dont like him at all and they know i have been talking to him. We talked it out and they said since the decision was for us to just be friends then we could. But when i tried contacting the guy about it he wouldnt answer me and then i heard from this girl.......... a girl he knows im really jealous of because she's so pretty. She said that the guy was done with me completely. didnt want anything to do with me. that he never cared about me ever.


Found out last night he asked out one of my friends. isnt it amazing how fast someone you thought loved you can just move on with their life?

This week

Been a okay week. I started some meds that made me sick to my stomach so in the mornings i have been sick but other than that its been good. Went swimming yesterday and had alot of fun. Going to Alabama Softball camp next week then to Kissimmee for a softball tournament so I dont get to see Courtney and babysit.

I've been doing really good with French 2 online. I have a 96% in the class!!!!!!!

First Week of Summer

This has been the first week of summer. This week has been fun and tiring for me. We have been to a movie and bowling and to the park a couple times. We've also been swimming. She is actually swimming right now as im writing this. I have also started my online class. Its going pretty good. i have an 87% in the class right now which is really good. I am horrible at French so an 87% is really good. While i work on school she reads. We have a good system.

I still think about him. All the time. I love him so much. He is my world. I cant wait for summer to end so i can see him again.

Almost Done

School is almost out and while I'm ready to be out of school for the summer I also don't want to. School is the only way I am able to see him. Its been extremely difficult seeing him at school because I am stalked 24/7.

Its been extremely difficult these past few days too. Tomorrow is the last day I can see him. I'm going to be a wreck. I don't know how I am going to live. I need him and I am being torn away from him. I will be thinking about him all summer. School will be a welcomed thing when we go back.

Just another day

An okay day. Ready to not have to think about everything. He's still on my mind every day. I doubt he thinks about me that much anymore though. I'm just a girl in his past. I'm okay with it. As long as he is happy I will be okay with it. I'll never be 100% happy with it but ill be okay with it because he is happy with whoever the girl is.


I wish i had a way to know that he read these. But I don't........


Babe. If your reading this I love you

Sadness

Im in the middle of watching a movie called The 5th Quarter. Its a very sad story with a very good meaning. Yes ive been crying the ENTIRE movie basically but the story and purpose of this movie is much deeper. The family of this kid who passed away after a car crash shows just how strong they can be after a tragedy because of God. It makes me wonder what will happen when i die. Will my family care? Will my friends come and say goodbye to me? It just makes me wonder.........

Been Okay

Its been going okay. I'm ready for school to be over. Second period has been stressful trying to make a dress code video. I'm ready to start work this summer. The little girl i'm babysitting is so cute!!!!!!!! I'm excited for it.


 I haven't been sleeping very well. I keep having nightmares about him. I keep thinking he will leave.... That he wont wait till i'm able to date him. I think he will leave this summer. I think he will get tired of waiting and will just leave. I don't know. Maybe i'm just over thinking everything. Who knows.

An okay day

Today wasn't to bad. Went to school, sat in classes, ate some lunch, sat in more classes and then came home. Now I'm watching Netflix and enjoying my afternoon homework free. Might wash my car again cause is so dirty.

I don't know if he ate. I care a lot about him. I want him to keep eating. I want him to be normal. If he finds another girl that makes him happy I want him to date her. I'll always care about him but maybe its better if he dates someone else while I'm in trouble with my parents. Maybe he will find the girl that makes him really happy. He makes me really happy but I don't think I make him really happy.

The need for my boyfriend

I'm not allowed to see my boyfriend. I want to see him. I want to kiss him. I want to be in his arms and not have to feel so insecure about myself. He loves me. He loves me no matter what i'm wearing or what i'm doing. My parents just don't see it. He is the sweetest boy I've ever met. He cares about me like no one else does.


Sometimes I just want to run away. We could run away together. That'd be fun. Just run away and never look back. As soon as I turn 18 i'm moving out. I'm going to move in with him and if I have to i'll marry him. I need him in my life.


The bad thing is he will never know how I feel about him. No one will. It's not like no one actually reads this blog. If anyone does I'd really like to know. I'd like to know that someone cares enough to read and feel bad for my horrible life.

Importance

Am i important? I never feel like it. My parents dont care about me unless im doing something that they dont approve of. I sit in my room all day and just sulk. I have no purpose in life. The only guy that makes me happy I cant be with. My parents dont like him and because my mom used to work at my school i have people all over the place watching me to make sure I dont date him again. He makes me happy. He makes me feel like I have a purpose in my life. Without him my life doesnt matter. Ive tried talking to my parents about it but they wont listen. I talked to my Guidence counselor about it today and she said that maybe a list of compromises could have it where both of us can be happy. I can be with the guy i love and my parents will know that i am not doing anything behind their backs. All i want is to be with him.


I dont feel like i matter in this family at all. I could run away and no one would care. Ive thought about running away multiple times and he is the only reason i stay. i know that if i run away he will stop eating and stop sleeping and just plain stop caring about life. He will start cutting himself again and i dont want that to happen. He makes me so happy and i just want to be with him.